Loyalty

1. the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations. 2. faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader, cause, etc. 3. an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like: a man with fierce loyalties.

Who are you loyal to? Those that show loyalty towards you? Or are you selective with whom that is given to?

Throughout life, it seems as if that our loyalties can be tested in so many ways. Like if a person shows that they can be shady in some ways, would you still have their back when the chips are down? Or what if you were in a bind, would those so called friends still be the same ones that hold you down in a bind?

My problem is that I hold too many loyalties. Like it could be times that I needed some help but the ones that "said they would help" were nowhere to be found. But if they needed something, I would be right there.

I guess I should limited my loyalites those that deserve it. It's really a select few and they know who they are.

Changes?

For the past couple of weeks, I've gone through a what some would say a down phase. What I can say is that, things are somewhat better but that light at the end of the tunnel is far away. Some days I just want to break down and just scream to release this built up tension but I can't bring myself to do it. Then the person that I need to talk to is being distant, so there lies another issue.

People offer their ears to listen, but right now I can't discuss what's going on. I will eventually and I just have to brace myself to endure what comes of it. I don't regret the things that I've done, because they were meant to happen. Hey that's the way life goes.

Some people will look at me and say nice things about my character. I'm modest about it because I just find myself to average. If I could right those wrongs, then maybe things would be different. *exhales* I want to say more but I can't.. Well the person that this is directed towards knows how I feel.

"So I ain't mad, don't blame y'all, I blame me
Put a wall in my path, I'm just gonna knock it down or go through it
Before you try to knock that down, go through it
Try it and go do it, the folk in my world won't look at you so stupid" - Joe Budden

Not Feeling Myself As Of Late

I really thought that the worst was over, but I got hit with something else. Not that it was bad but I should have just left the subject alone.

"The decision made will affect one of us."

Saturday.. I hung out with my best friend. Now I use that term lightly because she's one of the few that will give it to me straight no chaser. Sometimes I need to hear the truth and it hurts but I have to bear it.

So in the middle of typing this, this tweet made me smile:

Don't be afraid to use your ammunition, that lady should of, would have, could have, saved herself. Rule number 4 - Double Tap - Columbus

So I checked this movie out yesterday. It was stupid but in a funny way, so yeah I will have this on DVD.. Also the Bill Murray cameo was hilarious.

Well I'm off to do something constructive.

GO RAVENS!!!!

I'm on the outside knocking
Hoping that you'll hear me calling
And that you'll allow your heart to stop blocking
I'm working extra hard or not trying hard enough
One minute you give me access, then the next I'm restricted
Past pains cause your emotions to remain tough
Late night those dreams starts to play and I drift off into space
Hoping that I get a chance to hold you close
Waking up greeting you with morning kisses on your face
Tossing and turning in my imaginary vision
Your arms reaching out and I'm coming for your embrace
As I reach you, the dream stops and you disappear
No replays - just thoughts of what I want to be
But reality is staring at me saying she isn't going nowhere

Who's Really To Blame?

So a few days ago at the taping of VH1's Hip Hop Honors, KRS-One said that while there is no hip hop without Def Jam, they are the same ones that destroyed it.

Wait..what?

Now as I watched the clip, I understand where Kris was coming from. But you can't put the blame of one label's success for the impending demise as well. Def Jam has been around as long as I've been around. You think about the early days w/ LL Cool J, T La Rock, The Beastie Boys. Then the 90's w/ Jay-Z, DMX, Foxy Brown and later on w/ Ludacris and other acts.

Now if other labels that were around wanted to get that same success that Def Jam did, then they should have did what they had to do in order to get that money. Def Jam knew the rules to the game, so they ran with it. And although most of the marquee, they're still a top notch label.

But fans aren't looking for lyrical skill, they want that simple music. Turn on the radio and what do you hear? Soulja Boy, Gucci Mane (Still don't know why he's being forced down our throats), Lil Wayne, Drake, etc. And every label or genre of hip hop has it's due time. Right now, the bubble gum rap is on the clock.

Moving Forward

Time for me to break free from my shackles and face my past
Watch those demons perish and bad memories shatter like glass
They wonder why I keep my life a secret
Because for 9 months inside my moms belly she kept my life a secret
Doctor's visit confirmed what she already knew
March 4th came and I was a week overdue
So a newborn child, Moms was 21 and didn't know what to do
So for years, we were on the move
Different houses in East Baltimore, her pride heavy so she had so much to prove
Bullied and pushed around during my youth
I inherited a bad attitude just look at my father for proof
Tried to reach out for a relationship and each time it failed
So on that note, I swallowed my pride and bailed
I knew writing this wouldn't be easy
Because talking about myself would have me looking lost like C. Breezy
No bowtie but I cry tears of a clown
Reading this will have you thinking of Lauryn singing All Falls Down
Kept to myself because I was afraid to share all of myself
So this week's events prompted me to take these feelings off the shelf
Writing this eased the pain and made me feel less less in orbit
So here's a middle finger to past and a new strength to keep moving forward

Aftermath

Her words crushed my soul with a right hook
With every word she spoke, left my brain feeling shook
This won't have a happy ending so if you can't handle it, try not to look
So hard to keep the chapters closed when your life's an open book
The pain inflicted cut me open and the wound started to bleed
Had to face what I was running from so a reality check was in need
All she wanted was honesty and I kept something that didn't feel right
Hurt her even more that she had to be the one to bring it to light
So now I lost the part of her that needed most -- trust
With this out in the open, I hope what's left of what we have don't blow away like dust