Further Into My World

I guess you could say that I am a nice person. I know when I was younger, I used to try to do whatever I could to be recognized but it didn't work out that way. So then when my "dark side" emerged, it's then when people started to take notice. I'd rather be remembered for the kind gestures that I show to others.

If you are my friend or someone that I'm really close to, then you know that I will ride for you until the end. And if you are wrong, I'll tell you so.
Whatever happened to the stand up people? Those that really don't care about how the world perceives them? It's like now and days people are out for self.

One of my close inner circle friends told me that not everyone is worthy of being in my presence. Maybe this is the plan that GOD had set out for me. Not to be a part of the in crowd but known for being my own crowd.

I was having a convo with one of the Y! Buddies and he dropped some serious knowledge. Like whenever he explains something, it's like in ways I can relate to what he's saying..

He was discussing past relationships. So then I started thinking about those that I've dealt with and the person that I became afterward.

It's like I'll explain to them that I'm not perfect. I have flaws. Then in the beginning they'll ride it out and the truth will emerge that they really couldn't hang with it.

When I am hard on myself, it's not for attention. It's just that some situations, I know that the outcome could be better or worse. I just need to apply some self tough love.

Then it's like more and more each day, I see myself becoming him. I just wish that he was around more and took more interest in the person that I am becoming. I never really asked him for anything. If anything, my brother got more out of him. Pretty much bled him dry. All I wanted was to say that my father was around. I didn't need gifts, toys, I just wanted him around and in my life. That void still affects me to this day. Which is probably why I'm not to concerned about trying to patch things up.

One day it will all make sense.

Loving My Background Role.

I was reading a my friend survey about me on Myspace and I started to think about the effect that I have on others. So the few that I have that confide in me, thanks for allowing me to do so. And also thanks for the advice that you've given me as well.

"Mocked me, envied me, turns out YOU WAS BLOWIN' HOT AIR, KENNY G
But you was cool, accepted you instantly
Not a groupie but you had a few tendencies
And though we share a few memories
A couple wrong turns'll turn a friend to an enemy
See, phony people like phony people
Even you could be mistaken if you phone these people" - Joe Budden "Dear Diary"

I swear Mood Muzik 3 is like a reference book to life. Especially that line where he says that a couple wrong turn will turn a friend into an enemy. We've all been down that road before.

I was supposed to been done with this hours ago and the last autosave was at 2:06am.

Shows that I can get lost in something else quickly.

Keep my attention focused and you won't have to worry about eyes wandering.


If Only It Was Easy...

I would erase some folks from my past.
Just the thought or memory of them just irks me.
Try to be cordial but they just continue to rub you the wrong way.

Was supposed to hang out with my "best" friend but she ended up getting drunk.
Then trying to get me to pay for dinner next week. Sike.
Next week I'm busy. Can't depend on anyone but yourself.

Ummm that's about it.

Until later.


The Past Few Days..

So Monday, I come home to a note explaining what happened to computer. So I'm sitting here trying to figure out my damn self what's wrong. Nothing.

So Tuesday, Obama officially took office. Work is a drag. Oh yeah the Jets stole our defensive coordinator.

Wednesday, work is still a drag. Don't even bother to touch the comp and I said fuck American Idol. Shani hold your head up little sis. We gonna get you out there on the airwaves.

Thursday, work is still a drag(see the pattern here.) I think the more money people have, the dumber they seem to get. So are we saying lower class and low middle class are smarter than upper class? Possible. So I'm looking for my other CD book( that's where my Kanye's are located) and I turn on the comp again. So I'm still thinking of passwords, then I typed in one and what do you know...here I am now typing this blog to you.

Maybe I just needed a few days away from the interwebs. Not like I missed much of anything.



Something That Irks Me..

So if you're mad at me about something..
don't just sit there and be like I'm mad but it's nothing major.
Open your mouth and let's be mature enough to discuss what the problem is.
So that we may come to a solution.

Females...I swear.



The conversations has been scare the past few days.
Haven't been in the mood to say anything really.
Just thinking about what was said and how to play it out.
Stay or Go?
Maybe I should go.
Maybe I should stay.
Heart and mind battle each other daily.
The pressure continues to build and there will be a casualty.
Broken hearts was the call to the resting place.



Some days are energetic..feeling great.
Other days I'm in a slump, not knowing the reality of my fate.
Some days I'm feeling positive, share my good vibes.
Other days my attitude is fuck you, stay away from my bad side.
When I look in the mirror, I am sometimes please with my appearance.
Other side of the coin, I beat myself up for things that I can't control.
They deal with me sometimes
Other days they are laughing and making jokes.
I wish I could figure out the punchline
Sitting here with this pen trying to punch out some lines.
Some people read the words and heed the signs.
Others take the low road and end up on the opposite on doing fine.
Call me mean but sometimes I'm like fuck the world.
Otherwise I would be concerned with the remainder of their lives.
Sometimes I could get deep and pour from my heart.
Other than that, I stay shut down with bottled emotions.
Watch their tears bring them apart.
These are some words that won't be understood by none.
Others will read and play my work as being dumb.
They don't gain access to the functions in my brain.
It sucks they can't handle it, so it wastes down the drain.


All Of Me

"I learned from Lupe, when you ‘Dumb it Down’ it’s just harder to understand
2008, hoes is still near me
So you can think Im tired as a fuck, Im still weary
The Getto Boys say it’s ‘All in the Mind’
Certain wounds only heal over time
No shame in my game, no pain no gain
And since I aint seen a prophet (profit) I figured God would stop it" - Joe Budden

Seems as of late, I've been playing Mood Muzik 3 daily. And on each listen, I'll hear a verse that will trigger some thoughts.

Maybe it's just that when you stare at a situation long enough, you'll start to see what it's worth.


What Does Your Name Means?

You entered: Derek

There are 5 letters in your name.
Those 5 letters total to 25
There are 2 vowels and 3 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

TeutonicMaleRules the people.
GermanMaleGifted ruler. From Theodoric.
EnglishMaleGifted ruler. People ruler. Variant of the Old German TheodoricFamous bearer: Derrick was a 17th century hangman at Tyhurn, whose name became synonymous with 'gallows' and now refers to a type of crane.'Gifted ruler.' From Theodoric.

Your number is: 7

The characteristics of #7 are: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating.

The expression or destiny for #7:
Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

Your Soul Urge number is: 1

A Soul Urge number of 1 means:
Your Soul Urge is the number 1. With a Soul Urge number of 1, you want to lead and direct, to work independent of supervision, by yourself or with subordinates. You take pride in your abilities and want to be recognized for them. You may seek opportunities to display your strength and usefulness, wanting to create and originate. In your desire to manage the big picture and the main issues, you may often leave the details to others.

The positive 1 Soul Urge is Ambitious and determined, a leader seeking opportunities. There is a great deal of honesty and loyalty in this character. If you possess positive 1 Soul Urge qualities, you are very attainment oriented and driven to success. You are a loyal friend and strictly fair in your business dealings.

The negative side of the 1 Soul Urge must be avoided. A negative 1 is apt to dominate situations and people; the home, the spouse, the family and the business. Emotions aren't strong in this nature. If you possess an excess of 1 energy, you may, at times, be boastful and egotistic. You must avoid being too critical and impatient of trifles. The great need of the 1 Soul Urge is the development of friendliness, and a sincere interest in people.

Your Inner Dream number is: 6

An Inner Dream number of 6 means:
You dream of guiding and fostering the perfect family in the perfect home. You crave the devotion from offspring and a loving spouse. You picture yourself in the center of a successful domestic unit.



Video Blog

I mean unless you ladies want to duke it out in some mud w/ bikini's on. We can set that up.


Love Gone

Like a snapped phone cord, I feel the disconnect
Tried to fall in love but that didn't factor out.
Instead of allowing us to be us, tried too much to be perfect.
Now I have to deal with knowing that you won't be around.
Due to my fears of the past and your true love that I neglect.
I am sure that you will move on to a new love
But I'm feeling a lil reasonable doubt, living with regrets.
You'll never know this but maybe you will see it down the line.
But your love was the one that was true. There was never a reason that I had to suspect.
Hopefully I will learn not to make these mistakes.
Cruel intentions leads to broken hearts.
Bleeding out love like Christ dying at the stake.

After Work Shit...

Intro via Viddler..

Yeah Yeah Yeah.