New Years Eve Video Blog

Eghck...

2008 will be coming to an end. So many people talking about fresh starts, new beginnings, etc. The same things that you had to deal with in 2008, will be there in 2009. Drama, bullshit, people entering and exiting your life.. it will all be there. So no need for New Years Resolutions because most don't even keep them.

Moms is coming upon the half century mark so I think I want to get her things that have to do with that.

I'm feeling the burnout from that "prison". So I have to look elsewhere. I'm gonna need a second gig, since I have newly added responsibilities.(Someone tell her to suck on that.)

Tania good looks on cutting the dead weight.

I'm saying if Ray J can get a reality show, then fuck let me get one.

Am I Really Thankful?

Another Christmas has passed and now we are facing 2009 w/ less than a week to go. So I look back on 2008, I can say that it has had its moments. Speaking of Xmas, I hope that everyone should remember the true meaning of this holiday, not to just go out and get presents. You can get that at anytime of the year.

So GMC has been granted the funds to keep itself afloat. Now the company that I work for is a vendor for the company(Titling and some other shit.), but they set forth a salary freeze for all of 2009. Meaning if you are in line for a raise, you'll be getting that in 2010. I'd rather use my services elsewhere. I could be in the situation that I was in last year, but things are getting better for me so I'm keeping positive fingers crossed.

I am so grateful to have her around. Even when I am acting up, she still is there.

I am thankful for these words:

"I think that you show wonderful character. You aren't biased with your opinions & you're straight forward. A very kindhearted individual who's not afraid to still tell it like it is. A person not really prone to receiving compliments but deserves every one that comes his way. You are indeed priceless sweetheart.
Only in fear that someone undeserving may cross your path, I'm protecting you cuz Official Derek/Cooley/McCools loving is non-refundable and you can't afford to lose any cause that some powerful stuff!! Priceless but way more valuable than life itself!!! It's your loving! And the fact that it's genuine love is a definite bonus."

Thank you Cey-Cey. Even though I tell her daily that she's a really great friend, she shares the love in return.

I am thankful for those two good friends of mine that found love in 2008. I hope that they are able to keep it strong and healthy.

I am going to pray for her. It's sad that she only tells people half the truth or tries to justify her actions. If anyone asks me about the situation, I'll tell them straight up what it was and what it didn't end up being. Of course they'll believe HERstory(You were wrong TLC, they don't believe HIStory.)

"Maybe I'm exhausted, maybe I just lost it
Maybe I should pick up a pen and try 'n force it
Same old story, guts and no glory
They tryna low ball me, do him like Joe Torre" - Joe Budden "All Of Me"

Video Blog

I'm saying how you gonna roast someone when you look like Swamp Thing?

Goodbye.

"And I wish I could make it like it used to be
Can't believe I'm through loving you
And you're through loving me, you
And in the middle of my final tears
You call out my name, my name
You cried out my name
But it could never be the same
Cause this is all I have" - Amerie "All I Have"

Sometimes we come to a crossroad where you have to make a decision. Most of the time that decision is for good or worse(depending on how you look at it). You tried and tried but some things you said or did, can't be taken back. So pretty much you are stuck between a rock and hard place. So what's next? Do you stay or do you go?

2008 had it's moments, both good and bad. I know 2009 will bring forth more of the same.

Kick..Push?

"And if he hadn't been such an insufferable jerk, if his life hadn't fallen apart, if he had valued his gift instead of running from it—shunning the spotlight, carousing, disfiguring his face during a bizarre boxing career, pushing away everyone who cared about him—maybe Rourke would have been the next DeNiro instead of a cautionary tale." - Bill Simmons

My father is probably the main reason that I feel this way. There have been others but he's the focal point. Seems as though when you are at a certain age, and you have people that enter your life for whatever reason, for me it gets to the point of where I'm seeing the ending in a distance. I try to remain positive and hold on but that rope breaks. Friendship/Relationship dies. We move on with our lives. Then later on down the road, in some instances, you get in touch with that person. They're doing well, starting a family, big things popping, etc. But you may wonder what would've happened if that person stayed in your life. How would they affect your well being? Do they have in ulterior motive? Sometimes, you see that person was really there for you(I hate that statement damn reality shows). Other times you cut the grass and the snakes started to show.

Me personally? I think the course lies deeper than the surface. Back when my mother was a Jehovah's Witness, I had an older guy that used to study with me. When I say study, read the publications so that in the future you can officially become one. Speaking of which, I tried to fit in with the youth there and it didn't work. So pretty much when my mother started visiting my best friend's mother, that's how we became close. But getting back to the story. The guy name was Tony and he was married. No kids...well when I used to be there he had none. I saw him some years later and he had a little boy with him. But he was like a positive male role model(used to make sure that I was listening to my mother, doing well in school, etc) So I'm used to being around him all the time and then he tells me one day that he's going to stop studying with me. So I'm like what the fuck? Just some bullshit that was in my ear. So when that was over, I didn't want to attend anymore. So when my best friend went and told her mother that she wasn't trying to go any more, I made sure that I told my mother the same thing. It wasn't like I was a problem child. So mainly that's why I stay to myself. When I access pages on Myspace, Facebook, Crushspot, etc. and I see the photos and read the stories of how a group of friends just had a great weekend, I wished I could've had that experience too. I guess it wasn't in God's plan for me to have that kind of life. My mother and other people say that I belong in Church(I'm guessing that's when I'll come of age.) But I rather just stay in the background. Although at times, I see things and think of ways that I could do it so much more better. I get annoyed with some people who don't take advantage of their well like personalities because they can go so much further than where they are. But they just waste it on stupidity. Eh their loss.

Wow I wasn't expecting to write that much but I guess I just had something things that I wanted to get out of my system.

Video Blog - Relationships

Let me know what you think.

Dream Sequence

So pretty much over the past couple of weeks, I've been having these weird dreams. Here's a sample of them:

1. Random females from my past ganging up against me w/ current female co-workers.

2. Beefing with Bloods over a shirt.

3. Being chased by this African because I witnessed him murder someone.

4. Still being chased by the African then ended up w/ a white woman that kidnapped me.

5. Tams was on Plurk. (Don't ask)

Slightly Buzzed.

So like yeah I'm just on a buzz because I had some Twister left over and some vodka too. So I thought to myself, "Self why don't you mixed these two and see what you come up with."

So I mixed and shaken not stirred.. ha ha I made a James Bond funny. So while I was in Walmart, you doing my part in pumping money back into the economy,(No dis to Jeezy but FRUCK THE RECESSION!!! GOTDAMNIT!!) I spotted this girl walking with another girl and they had kids surrounding(Typical shit you see now and days, nothing new). SO it turns out to be my Step Mother's Granddaughter. So and like she's different. And I was like oh shit, she must've had more kids because she was already fast. But I don't know cuz she made it obvis...(why the fuck can't I spell obvious. See clear as day right there.) So anyway she made it OBVIOUS that she saw me. Like she told the other bird(HAHAHAHA shoutouts to Liz. You should've slapped ol girl. Word up!!)I guess that I was my father's son. Whatever I just kept on pushing the cart. I mean damn it was packed. I saw this other girl that I used to work with at Home Depot. Well she's a freak(and before you ask no I didn't try to holla. She had more facial hair than me but she still spread her pussy like the rainbow. OH SHIT A LIL KIM REFERENCE!!!) So the last time I checked, she was at LOWE'S and shit. Probably fucked half the store there.

So why is that when people get a lil rank, they wanna try to act as if they running things. I mean that shit pisses me off. How you gonna try to act bad ass when you really ain't shit. I mean you on some snitching shit as is. So FRUKC YOU DUDE!!!! PUSSY ASS BEEEEYYOOOTTTCCCHH!!!!

So like I was taking pictures today and I was like oooh..why these shits looks so said. Damn I have a cold, I got the sniffles..wah wah wah. I have to go back to Walmart because they gave me the incorrect belt size and shit. Fucktards!!! Since when did 'fucktard' become a recognizable word by Firefox?

SO what have we learned today...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! People that lease cars are still idiots and I will continue to bash those fools. And you know Walmart had a nerve to be out of Chessman cookies!!?? HOW YOU GONNA BE OUT OF CHESSMAN COOKIES!!!! I mean I found one back and it was shivering and shaking in the back. I had to rescue it!!! HERE I AM!!!! FOUR FOURS KNOCK YOUR MAN OFF YOUR POLO SWEATER!!! FUCKING JAY-Z BITCHES!!!!!!

I'M OUT!!!!!

IT'S THE KING BIIIITTTCCCCCHHHHHH.

Shouts to T.I.

M.I.A.

Where were you?
While I was growing up, no positive male role models in sight.
Where were you?
Going through my days being tormented and trying to avoid fights.
Where were you?
Strung out on drugs known to man.
Where were you?
Trying to survive on $30.90. Moms couldn't understand.

I've done fine without you. Don't need you in my life.
No communication needed. Forgiveness comes with no price.
You've done more for others. Created another family.
Treated me as an outsider. Fuck how you feel, don't explain shit to me.

So much pain, so much aggression, affecting me mentally.
Sperm donor you are. I only see you when I stare in the mirror physically.
Wish I could cut the skin away and walk away soulless as I fall apart.
Pray that THE LORD forgives me for this pain and hate that dwells within my heart.

Side Effects.

"For the rest of my life with you
I finally built up the strength to walk away
Don't regret it but I still live with the side effects" - Mariah Carey "Side Effects"

So of course we have done things in our past that we wish we could have a retry. Most of the time, we allow that to run its course and we use it as a reflection on what not to do. Now Lord knows I'm not perfect, I've done some things that I'm not proud of, made wrong decisions, etc. All I can do is ask to be forgiven. Sometimes friendships fade for many reasons. But I wish that things could go back to how they used to be. Seeing that person happy is the number one most important thing. So if things do end up on the outs for any reason, just know that I'll cherish those moments we shared.

Thoughts Via Songs..

"And where are you now
Now that i need you
Tears on my pillow
Wherever you go
Cry me a river that leads to your oceans
You'll never see me fall apart" - Bee Gees "Emotions"

Well I was listening to the version that Destiny's Child remade. This song is in fact very emotional. I never let anyone see me fall apart.

"When you look at me things ain't what it seems.
God's got a hold on me.
I've been down on luck.
There and back again.
Yeah, he still cares.
Praise and mercy.
Carry to his name." - Lil Mo "Dotted I(I'm Not Perfect)"

Reminds me of when I do actually go to church. Just know that HE is watching over all of us, no matter how we may live our life.

"If I could take this back I would
If I could rewind the time to when it was all good
I would, take it back to when we said good-bye
If I..." - Foxy Brown "If I"

So many goodbyes

"Looking for sun, all I see is the hail
How I'm gon' trust? All I see is betrayal
It's like they keep trying more and more to subdue me
And only you understand, signed by yours truly" - Joe Budden "Dear Diary"

This song hits home on so many levels. Especially that "How I'm gon' trust?/All I see is betrayal" line.

"I'm a soldier in this war and I resemble my pops
I ain't nothin like him, that's where this criminal stop" - Memphis Bleek "In My Life"

When I did this before, I think back in May or June, I went in depth as to the relationship with my father and myself. Still haven't spoken to him. I have a unfinished letter that I haven't sent to him yet. *sigh*

Don't Ask Because I Won't Tell.

So I'm wondering if I should just sit here and just let things just fade away. Making a decision will affect others, so I'm just hoping that it goes away. No one to really talk to about it because either 1: They wouldn't understand or 2: They have their own stuff going on.

I just feel like shutting things down and just leaving it alone and pray that the situation fixes itself. Always allow myself to get trapped and then have a tough way of getting out. I wish I could go back to the days where it wasn't no action. Just me going about my days not having to worry about shit.

But this the things that you hear about in songs, read about in magazines, hear people talking about: Life. There's no way around it and everyone of us has a story to tell. Just a matter of those that want to listen.

Best Jay-Z Guest Verses. Part 1

So pretty much whenever Jay-Z is featured as a guest on someone's record, I make sure to pay close attention to the track in general. Just because he's been killing it for so long. Now everyone has their opinion on him and basically this is one that I formed on my own while listening to some of his earlier work. These are some of my favorite Jay-Z guest verses that he's done for others(whether it's album, remixes or mixtapes):

- Jay-Z's verse on Amil's "For The Fam".
Favorite lines:
This is much more than rap, it's black entrepreneurship
Clothing, movie, and films, we come to conquer it all
Roc-A-Wear, eighty mill like, eighteen months
You could bullshit wit rap if you want, muthafuckers
When it's all said and done, we gon see what's what
Holla at Hov, I'll be in the cut

- Jay-Z's verse on Big Daddy Kane's "Show And Prove"
Favorite lines:
And ain't no eatin me up, you fast fuckin with jigga
I'm like Prince jeans, I bring the ass out a nigga

- Jay-Z's verse from Freeway's "What We Do"
Lemme get 'em Free
Hov never slackin' mang, zippin' in the black Range
Faster than the red ghost, gettin' ghost wit' Pac-Mang
One-time know a got a knack to get that change
Leader of the black gang, R-O-C mang
Bang like T-Mac, ski mask air it out
Gotta kill witnesses 'cause Free's beard's stickin' out
Y'all don't want no witness shit, we squeeze hammers mang
Bullets breeze by you, like Lousiana mang...
But I gotta feed Tianna mang...
So I move keys you can call me the Piano Man
Rain...sleet, hail...snow man
Slang dough, E, hydro man...

Jay-Z's verse from Juvenile's "Ha(Remix)"
Favorite lines:
You done got yourself in some deep shit
Now you stuck in your house, you gotta peep the remix
You can't go out cuz they gon leave you in a deep ditch
And hit you with the sign if you decide to keep shit
The only reason you alive cuz you read lips
and you drove on the block low in yo' seat an' shit
Seen em mouthin off, they don't need this shit

Jay-Z's verse from Kanye West's "Diamonds From Sierra Leone(Remix)
Favorite lines:
This ain't no tall order, this is nothin' to me
Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week
I do this in my sleep
I sold kilos of coke, I'm guessin' I can sell CDs
I'm not a businessman
I'm a business, man
Let me handle my business, damn

Jay-Z's verse from Lil Cease's "4 My Niggaz"
Favorite lines:
BK style (what), see Jay how (uh)
We don't play fair, we play foul
Go head, stand there, we spray crowds
Live from the 7-1-8
If there ever was one great
I'm him, nigga, times ten

Jay-Z's verse from Lil Kim's "Big Momma"
Favorite lines:
Pull a high power Coup make, you jump ship
Leave who you wit', I'm with the Roc-A-Fella crew
Trip you for the cheese, tear your room up
Spread a ill rumor, make you flip on Little Ceas