12.17.2008

Kick..Push?

"And if he hadn't been such an insufferable jerk, if his life hadn't fallen apart, if he had valued his gift instead of running from it—shunning the spotlight, carousing, disfiguring his face during a bizarre boxing career, pushing away everyone who cared about him—maybe Rourke would have been the next DeNiro instead of a cautionary tale." - Bill Simmons

My father is probably the main reason that I feel this way. There have been others but he's the focal point. Seems as though when you are at a certain age, and you have people that enter your life for whatever reason, for me it gets to the point of where I'm seeing the ending in a distance. I try to remain positive and hold on but that rope breaks. Friendship/Relationship dies. We move on with our lives. Then later on down the road, in some instances, you get in touch with that person. They're doing well, starting a family, big things popping, etc. But you may wonder what would've happened if that person stayed in your life. How would they affect your well being? Do they have in ulterior motive? Sometimes, you see that person was really there for you(I hate that statement damn reality shows). Other times you cut the grass and the snakes started to show.

Me personally? I think the course lies deeper than the surface. Back when my mother was a Jehovah's Witness, I had an older guy that used to study with me. When I say study, read the publications so that in the future you can officially become one. Speaking of which, I tried to fit in with the youth there and it didn't work. So pretty much when my mother started visiting my best friend's mother, that's how we became close. But getting back to the story. The guy name was Tony and he was married. No kids...well when I used to be there he had none. I saw him some years later and he had a little boy with him. But he was like a positive male role model(used to make sure that I was listening to my mother, doing well in school, etc) So I'm used to being around him all the time and then he tells me one day that he's going to stop studying with me. So I'm like what the fuck? Just some bullshit that was in my ear. So when that was over, I didn't want to attend anymore. So when my best friend went and told her mother that she wasn't trying to go any more, I made sure that I told my mother the same thing. It wasn't like I was a problem child. So mainly that's why I stay to myself. When I access pages on Myspace, Facebook, Crushspot, etc. and I see the photos and read the stories of how a group of friends just had a great weekend, I wished I could've had that experience too. I guess it wasn't in God's plan for me to have that kind of life. My mother and other people say that I belong in Church(I'm guessing that's when I'll come of age.) But I rather just stay in the background. Although at times, I see things and think of ways that I could do it so much more better. I get annoyed with some people who don't take advantage of their well like personalities because they can go so much further than where they are. But they just waste it on stupidity. Eh their loss.

Wow I wasn't expecting to write that much but I guess I just had something things that I wanted to get out of my system.